i am so far from perfect and no matter how hard i try i cant seem to fix that.
im really sick of pretending everything great. i broke down today and it killed me to let anyone know things wernt going perfectly.
i have been trying to let everything roll of my back and to try not worry about things. But things keep building up and i cant let some things go. i dont know how to deal with things though. I dont even know what i want. i just know i am not happy with what is going on.
i try to be a good firend and i just fuck up. im at the point where i dont have anyone who gets it. i dont have anyone who can say "it'll be fine" and i believe them. the people i always use to admire have let me down. the people who i always though embodied what was good and right have let me down and made me question myself. it seems like i cannot be in any type of successful relationship because all i do is push people away and make them hate me. the relationships i do chose to be in are ones i know could never last. the people i choose to persue are assholes or guys who have girlfriends. i feel like such a bad person and i try so hard to be such a good one.
im working over 20 hours a week. i dont mean to complain but it is just alot with everything else i have going on. I am just really exhaused. my classes are really hard and i never seem to have enough time in a day to get everything done. i stay up till 3:00 in the morning almost every night and i cant seem to do everything. its very frustrating.
i am loosing the people i really want to have in my life. no matter what i do or how hard i try i cant stop it. it hurts so bad. i wish people would stop changing. i know we all grow up and change but i need it to slpw down.
everything is piling up and it is just like its crushing me. i cant get on top of everything in my life. and i dont want to deal with the things that are scaring me.
its one thing after another. little things keep going wrong. i cant deal with them. i cant make them go away.
i can pretend a little longer though.
on a lighter note....im starting y-club back up. i will announce a meeting time soon. its going to be completly diffrent and fun! promise!